Safe and Sound: How to find your tribe of trustworthy people
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“I’ve been losing friends but finding peace. Honestly, that sounds like a fair trade to me.” — Drake.
Lately, I have been reflecting on who I allow in my personal space and what influence the people in my life have on my thoughts, emotions, and confidence toward taking steps forward on my life path.
Sometimes, we can keep people around us based on how long we’ve known them, their proximity to us due to school or hobby, and familiarity with them due to race, gender, etc. But we don’t check in with ourselves to see where we have grown, whether those people around us are demonstrating comfort, care, and support to our growth, or where they may be detrimentally holding on to the old you.
I read a book called Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I highly recommend reading this if you need help discerning safe people! This book inspired me to help shift my mindset around who I allow in my personal space and who I distance from. I’ll highlight some of the book’s most important points and share my quick questionnaire, which you can use to help yourself identify whether someone is safe.
How the book defines Safe People:
“Safe people: individuals who make us better by their presence in our lives.”- Page 11
“They are accepting, honest, and present, and they help us bear good fruit in our lives.”- Page 11
Top Four of the book’s Safe People Traits to look for:
1) Are confrontable (confrontation helps us learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns) (they can own when they are wrong)
2) Admit their weaknesses
3) Are humble
4) Prove their trustworthiness over time
How the book defines Unsafe People:
“While there are many kinds of unsafe people, many fall under three categories: the abandoners, the critics, and the irresponsibles.”– page 21
“Abandoners are people who can start a relationship but can’t finish it.”
“Critics are people who take a parental role with everyone they know. They are judgmental, speak the truth without love, and have no room for grace or forgiveness. They are more concerned with confronting errors than with making connections.”
“Irresponsibles are people who don’t take care of themselves or others.”
Top Four of the book’s Unsafe People Traits to look for:
1) Defensive instead of open to feedback (when we need to confront them, we will be stuck with all the hurt their natural imperfections cause in the relationships. Someone who does not own his need to change does not change, and hurt will likely continue.) page 31
2) Only apologize instead of changing their behavior. “Sorry is as sorry does.”
3) Demand trust instead of earning it.
4) Blame others instead of taking responsibility.
“When someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them.” — Cassandra Mack.
This author states that reading this book will help you look outside yourself as you learn to stand back and critically evaluate the people in whom you are investing yourself.
After reading this book, I started reflecting on past and current experiences and internally reviewed how I felt around people. I created a mini guide below to help you discern people’s character and their value to your growth.
My top questions to help identify Safe People:
Do they genuinely like me as a person, or do they want me for what I can do for them?
Are they comfortable seeing me only as the person they met years ago, and do they actively try to keep me in that mental box?
Sometimes, this can mean bringing up old relationships, past financial issues, and behaviors that no longer align with one's identity.
Think about WHY someone would want you to remember harmful or hurtful things about your past. What are they getting from bringing this up to you? Especially when it’s in response to how you have grown or a moment of joy that shows you have grown out of those experiences.
For example, you mentioned that you have been in a new role for six months and are happy your manager trusts you with responsibilities. Your friend brings up a time when you were unemployed and had difficulty finding a new opportunity. Mentally note if this happens frequently. If there is a pattern of this behavior, you know that this is a choice that they are choosing to attack your peace of mind instead of connecting with you. Is that someone who can be a safe space for you and lift you when you are down? Is this someone that will be happy that you are down?
www.dictionary.com
Life will always have its ups and downs, flowing like the weather changes each season. It’s hard enough to keep your head on straight and move forward with confidence; you don’t need people around you who are tugging on your shirt telling you to look backward and turn your head.
When your loved ones can’t understand/ embrace the new you…
If someone only supports you when you are playing the role they see for you in their life…is that truly help, or is it maintenance for the status quo?
You are allowed to grow outside of the box others put you in! Don’t hold yourself back from fear of the anger or loss of others; you will grow and develop and make new friends who will support you in the latest season of your life.
Is this person capable of cultivating happiness for themselves?
In my life, people who have healthy outlets of expression, hobbies, and a passion for their lives are more capable of supporting you in your endeavors.
“People can’t be happy for you if they aren’t happy with themselves.”
We all want to change things in ourselves and our lives and upgrade somehow. If someone is unwilling to be curious about their interests, they may resent your openness to a fulfilling life of passion and growth.
How does this person handle disagreements?
Not everybody is willing to do the work to take accountability for something they have done and hold space for another person expressing hurt or concern about their actions. Some people will hold on to resentments and never see the bigger picture or what life teaches them about how they are showing up in the world. Once you see an unwillingness to change, do not become self-righteous and judge them; instead, release them and make space for people willing to hold your hand and take a step with you. The people who will stubbornly stand still and bat your hand away are not safe for your emotional well-being.
Photo by Ronan Furuta on Unsplash
When I am in this person’s presence, how do I feel?
When I leave this person, do I feel encouraged, uplifted, and happy that I made time for them? Or do I feel discouraged, mad that I carved time out of my day, and anxious about life?
Acknowledging your feelings is a big part of identifying who is safe for you. Sometimes, you need to call out your immediate feelings to yourself before you can start rationalizing and dismissing them. Our intuition is a powerful resource we can use at our discretion.
After reading these questions, memories may show you where someone in your life was not fit to be deemed safe, and you allowed them in. Don’t beat yourself up over this! We are human, and we can’t expect to know if we don’t have the skillset or learn how to identify unsafe people. As I type this, I am currently dealing with emotions from removing someone in my life due to them displaying several unsafe behaviors that proved they weren’t safe for me emotionally. I treat these experiences as lessons learned and will apply them when I jump onto the next merry-go-round adventure of connecting with people. We can’t let the fact that past experiences have hurt us or that there are unsafe people in this world scare us from putting ourselves out there emotionally.
“The real problem is that we are untrained in discerning people’s character.” -page 20 of Safe People
Giving ourselves time to read the patterns, behaviors, and actions of people around us will help us feel confident and capable in determining who is meant for us on our journey and who isn’t. The questions above will help train you to look for safe qualities in potential partners, friends, and family members.
Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash
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