Boundaries in action: How to use and respect them in relationships with others
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Time for a check-in: How do you respond when someone says no?
How do you deal with others' reactions to your no?
Are you the person who gets easily irritated when someone denies your request to hang out on a specific day at a particular time?
Or are you the person who shrivels up when you deal with the backlash from others?
Today, I'll explore the dynamics between these two types of people and shed some enlightenment on how both parties can better engage with each other by using boundaries.
Photo by Paul Jacome on Unsplash
To the person who is enforcing the boundary of no:
Reflect on the energy you bring to the relationship dynamic. For instance, if I have a preplanned activity to do. Even though I'm polite when declining an invite, some people will decide if that reason is good enough according to their standards. Then will get upset if they don't feel that what I have to do is a priority. So now I run into the danger of evaluating and judging myself based on someone else standards for their life. Do you see how this becomes a problem?
Are we here to live our lives based on what others want us to do, or are we here to live according to our standards?
I am still actively learning and applying this lesson in my daily life with loved ones and friends: Less is more! I say everything I must do when saying no to something, which can lead to me falling into the trap of somebody thinking they can validate what I have to do. For example, my exercise time, meditation time, binge-watching a favorite tv show, etc., are all important to me but might be less crucial to the next person.
Am I going to let their opinion matter more than my own? Am I in control of my day or not?
We don't need others to validate our reasoning; if it makes sense to you and is not harming anyone, that is all you need to move forward.
The people who get it get it.
People who respect you as an individual with different needs, they understand where you are at.
Value the people who love you for who you are, not just love you when you are available to them at their latest whim. These are the people you should cherish! These are your "soul tribe"! So go reach out to one of those people randomly and invite them somewhere or do something nice for them; remember not to get mad if they are busy too!
And the cycle continues…. 😅
To the person who has a hard time accepting others’ no:
As humans, when dealing with others, tapping into compassion will save us from many problems. Giving space and allowing people to nurture in the way they need means releasing anger and control when it's not done on our destined timeline for them. Instead of judging how others recharge, try remaining open to others' way of healing.
For example, if a friend wants to stay in for a Friday night, instead of viewing them as sad because you wouldn't want to stay in and love being around others. Consider that your friend may welcome the idea of a night in and find more enjoyment in that, especially after a busy week.
If someone goes out with you two times, then the third time you ask, they say no, examine why you are upset. Do you want peace in your friendships or manufactured problems? Are you relying too much on one individual for your leisure time? This may be an opportunity to branch out and meet new people! Do you see how a mindset shift can help eliminate the problem you have created?
For the person learning to enforce the boundaries, remember these things:
First, you are allowed to say no!
You don't always have to be agreeable to be loved and liked. If your friendships and/or relationship is based on how compliant you are and not on valuing who you are, then they may need to be demoted to casual acquaintances… aka I'll see you when I see you!
You are NOT responsible for someone acting irrationally because they don't like your answer, especially if this is a first-time or one-time no out of several yes responses.
You CAN define what brings you peace and do everything you can to protect it.
If you give grace to others, then you should be able to receive grace too.
Other people's attempts to make you feel guilty, shun you out, or be rude are signs that this person engaging in this behavior isn't for you. Act accordingly!
Learning who is in your corner and who needs to be seen mentally as far, far away, in a different city miles away is essential.
Learn how to self-soothe when you deal with people's responses to you being assertive!
Do something that brings you joy when dealing with feelings that naturally arise in response to someone's reaction. For example, I had a new associate I enjoyed spending time with. Still, I noticed intense reactions when an invite was declined or if something came up, even though there had been many more yes than nos as we got to know each other. When I realized the lack of response in messages was due to the answer not being yes, I initially felt annoyed, like, dang, I can't have other plans or be busy.
But instead of sitting in that feeling and letting it stew inside me, I decided to get off social media, turn my tv off, go into do not disturb to avoid checking for a response, and have a nice bubble bath! I played soothing bossa nova music and was in a relaxed mood.
Listen here:
Then I read another chapter in my book for the rest of the evening. Thankfully the next day was busy with work and dance class, so I didn't have time to dwell on the lack of response. It helps to have a life filled with activities that pique your interest so that a lot of the idle time that could be spent ruminating goes to something more fulfilling.
Sometimes the person needs their own time to stew on feelings they may have about people declining invitations, which is understandable but not your responsibility to solve their problem. On the other hand, if the person brings up the issue, you can hold space for them but never over-communicate when someone is under-communicating; this means that you are spending extra energy!
Reminder!
Your peace of mind, time, and energy are the MOST valuable resources you have in life…spend them wisely, and you'll be happier in the long run!
Photo by Jernej Graj on Unsplash
Back in college, there was a running joke between a friend and me: We used to say, "I only have so many (fill in the blank) to give this week, so if you are starting something on a Thursday by that point my (fill in the blank) bucket is used up! Better luck next time, or catch me earlier in the week." 😃
Need help with identifying and enforcing your boundaries?
Here are two of my favorite books on developing boundaries and why they are instrumental in personal growth and having reciprocal, loving, and authentic relationships with others:
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